Motherhood, Judgement & Self-Love
If I could go back to the 1990s and sit with my young self, I would tell her to be kinder. At the time , my out of wedlock” pregancy often felt like a dirty little secret i had to carry through a community of behind the back whispers and quiet judgements. But, I now realise that weight didnt just belong to me, it was an inheritance. I was raised by a wonderfully caring mother, but she was a child of the Second World War, a generation where “name and reputation” meant everything.
In her world, things werent discussed, they were pushed under the carpet. Taboos were absolute, and the fear of what the neighbours might think was a very real survival instinct. Im sure i carried that into my own motherhood, In fact, I was so caught up in the fear of those whispers that I asked my partner to buy me a ring to wear to the hospital. I wanted to look “married”. I needed a shield to protect my reputation.. I joke now, it was my version of a “push present” - long before the term ever existed. Not for luxury, but for legitimacy. I had 2 children out of wedlock at 25 and 28.
Looking back from the vantage point of my 50s', I see that young woman with so much more compassion than she gave herself at the time. What I came to realise, is that mothers are often doing an extraordinary job while we are still growing up ourselves.
Motherhood isnt a static role, it is a “living yoga”. We move, we stumble, and we eventually find our own balance. There is no perfect formula or “right” time or single way to start. There is only the practice of showing up, finding the courage to look under the carpet and cear away what no longer serves us.
As i celebrate the delight of my three adult children today, I am also deeply mindful that the spirit of nuturing isnt confined to one defiinition. There are many women who choose not be be mothers and many who cannot be. Society often places a different kind of “whisper” over those stories, but their parths of love and contribution are just as vital.
Today, the baggage is diminishing. I have learnt that the only legitimacy that matters is the love we cultivate within our own lives. seeing my children’s successes is one of my lifes’ greatest delights, their resilience is the ultimate evidence that the “whispers’ were just noise. I have traded the shield of reputation for the freedom of authenticity.
This mothers day, my wish for our community is simple: Let us let go of judgement.
Lets stop the whispers, lets lead with love. No parent is perfect, and no generation has all the answers. But loving yourself, loving each other and loving your children is the absolute best we can do.
If you are carrying a “ring” of your own, some mask you put on to feel worthy, I invite you to set it down You were always enough.
Happy Mothers Day to everyone who nutures, who heals old cycles and who continues to grow…..